The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.
I'm pretty sure we put the facepaint on during whippets
I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister
I traded the garbage men the rest of my handle for a ride home. Best. Walk. Of. Shame. Ever.
I need to stop acting like a drunk bitch. People are going to get the right idea about me...
Look, when i woke up this morning, I had every intention of being a responsible twenty-five year old, cleaning up, making my budget, and filing my taxes. Its just I got siderailed by pot and downloading classic Disney songs, because fuck adulthood; everyone loves Disney.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
You licked my eyeball, you are officially cut off. If you just missed you can have a second chance on Friday.
Apparently "Welcome to the Sin Cave" is not how I'm supposed to answer the door
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
I had sex while watching Lord of the Rings last night. I think I just reached a new level of nerd.
She has my name on her bucket list. I’m either getting laid or killed
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