Funniest shit happened at the grocery store. This kid kept asking his mom for candy over and over and she told him 'daddy said no' and he screamed 'he isn't my dad' so loud everyone in the store was silent it was awesome.
I wish I could tape me & him having sex. Not for pornographic reasons, just for comic relief.
is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex
Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.
I ate a pepperoni off of someone's floor last night. We need to talk.
When hitting a Woodchuck bottle with a machete, glass will fly back and cut your face.
I hope you did not try this.
You fought the bouncer and lost, then challenged a hobo to a 40 chugging contest and lost. Sobriety is a good life choice.
She asked me to come on her OkCupid date with her
The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
Randomize
