why the fuck does my google maps say i'm in punjab?!?!? u think it has to do with like...outsourcing?
just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING
Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us
Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b
I just realized I'm trading you a pregnancy test for the morning after pill...
It's been a bad semester.
Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.
Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.
I forgot to ask you how long you're housesitting. By which I mean how many bones can I get in averaging 2.5 bones per day.
20.
I emailed the police apartment to apologize to the officer from last night. I practically threw a hissy fit because he wouldn't hug me.
It was "against protocol"
It wouldn't be New Years Eve if we knew where we would be at midnight
Went and sat in the wrong fucking class for 30 mins, answering questions and shit. What ever this is i will be on it for the rest of the semester.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
Shut up. I hate you. We're doing shots tomorrow. Fuck the consequences.
I'm not totally useless... You can use me as an example of what not to do
Can’t. It’s taco and dick night.
Randomize
