sometime during the course of last night, i decided to get donuts for this morning. i'm a fucking genius when i smoke.
I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.
I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I flossed his teeth and then we had sex in the bathroom. It just seemed like a good idea.
Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles
I dont even think your gonna like what I got you for christmas. If not we can take it back and get drugs.
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Next time a party gets busted lets get a group photo first.
Is it okay to thank someone for the orgasms they gave you, even though they weren't with you?
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
he's not even weird he's been offering me different drinks all night
oh i remember now hes the guy that liked when i peed on him
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