my mom just threw water on me to get me awake and is screaming "where is my fucking car?!"
you gave me a ride last nite what the hell did you do with it after you left me?
did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?
I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.
Is it bad that I don't ask for names anymore? Just added "gold-chain-wearing hotel guy" to my list under "minivan 3way" and "funny-tasting gym guy."
Really I don't care what we're doing or watching. Your penis spends way too much time outside of my body.
I never want to even look at fireball again because it reminds me of the night I died and then lived to tell the tale of how I died.
He offered to dress his dick up as Charlie Chaplin to cheer me up.
Keep him.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
Heeyy... sorry I got so drunk. You probably don't ever want to see me again. Thank you for dealing with me when I tried to jump over the deli counter for some mayonnaise.
I text the word "masturbation" so much, all it only takes my iPhone to auto-spell it is for me to type "mas".
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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