i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
i just ate two sandwiches and am debating booty calling my landlord
Don't make me choose between a good grade and anal
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Had a burrito last night in your honor
That's the nicest thing you've ever done
I did however clean up the cupcakes and vomit so I'm not that bad of a roommate
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
Seriously, you just banged the guy that wishes his dog happy birthday on fb. That's fucking adorable!
I'm nothing if not determined to sleep with everyone at that company
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