just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast
Brought 2 entire pizzas with to the bar, everyone loves us
I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you
Pretty sure I picked a cat up off the street and took him home with me, fed him tuna, then let him go
This dudes playing guitar and singing outside our window and he's like "ravioli is beterrrrrrr than tortelliniIii cause tortelliniiii is shaped like fucking ears"
Officially crunch time. It's my last year of grad school and I've yet to get blown in a school library. The parking garage was less than a block away though.
I snorted xanax while wearing reindeer antlers. Prancer gone wild. Have a merry Christmas.
ever since I turned 21 the mother-daughter bonding sessions always end with whiskey and my little pony. I don't know why, it's just a thing that happens
This is why you are going on a date. To see if he is fun or if we need to shank him in the parking lot.
the only decorations on the Christmas tree were twinkle lights, condoms, and empty natty cans. I do love a classy holiday party
so on a scale from morning glass of wine to that time i burnt the garage down how drunk were you last night
About 'lets tie a boat to a truck and ride it down the freeway'
The longer the dick, the closer to Jesus when you’re on top.
he passed out in the backyard and we used christmas lights as extension cords for the clippers to shave his head.
Oh I had the weirdest dream in which I was an archeologist stealing a golden dildo from a snobby British person
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