I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
"Tuesday" and "open-bar" shouldn't be used in the same sentence.
$1 margaritas. This happy hour needs to end.
Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.
She thinks Jesus was an astronaut.
I got propositioned while wearing the bottom half of a horse costume. It's like god is apologizing to me in the strangest of ways.
Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
At least is you came to Milwaukee to visit me you'd get the best mind blowing sex of your life and free wifi. Who doesn't want free wifi!
The quality of my porn watching experience has significantly declined. Thanks shattered iphone screen
It's 1am and I'm on LSD and I have diarrhea in a Dunkin Donuts. Help me
Pretty sure I just got the ok to have a one night stand in Maui...from mom. I'd say that's a win in my book.
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
Yes, the maid of honor did just deep throat the mic during the toast. How do I follow that?
Randomize
