I would never have sex with Danny Devito!! JSYK.
yeah well you didnt even puke from the alcohol. we cut you off and went to huck finn's and told you that the "irish cream" coffee creamers had baileys in it, so you shot down like eight of them and puked all over the floor. it was great. we cheered you on and everything
Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.
Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
I havnt been this mad since the coche de Los murtos incident
I can't believe I paid your booty call for a ride home in cake.
I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.
I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420
It's not a good hook up if during you're thinking "how will this damage me psychologically"
I will rip it off your body in ways are socially offensive but you still kind of like.
We're going to ride the bus of mixed signals all the way to unrequited love town and that's where I'm going to live my life and then die.
This is a friendly reminder to try not to shit on the toilet seat. If our 4 year old can manage it, I think you can too.
He unliked all of my pictures on instagram, I don't know whats worse, the fact that he did it or the fact that I noticed..
We all just got ice cream, condoms, and toilet paper now were gonna go home and watch movies as a family.
Condoms?
I drunkenly said, "That's my future father-in-law!" And everyone made an uncomfortable / disgusted face... including the aforementioined future father-in-law. Maybe I should start dating other people.
Randomize
