We traveled between two mile markers in 18 seconds. Do the math.
Unless I'm getting a singing midget telegram, I'm not going to smile
I jacked off with the cucumber and then made that fatass a salad.
Pls don't use the words alligator, purple, and sperm in the same sentence ever again.
i don't want you to think of me as your TA
At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?
After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.
I probably looked like a mental patient. I had my IV in one hand and cup of pee in the other, swaying around with a dazed grin on my face. I love vicodin.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
Explaining that I bought them at a strip club gift shop with my friend didnt make the furry handcuffs seem less weird
Oh you know, the usual. We had a good date, I took her back home, she took off my pants, laughed, and left.
Every time I'm hungover I just want to watch Harry Potter and cry.
i ate her out in full view of all her roomates. the word awkward doesnt even cover it.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
I am listening to Jack Johnson and wearing the sweater your Mother made me fuck mother nature I am in my happy place right now
Randomize
