My mom just got knocked over by a rollerblader. I'm trying not to laugh, bc my family looks pretty concerned
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
This got awkward about two "Oh yeah"s ago.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"
After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.
She tried to cook Velveeta IN the oven on clean mode.
I have a meeting at work in an hour, I'm so hungover going outside is NOT happening there are roads and shit I'll totally get myself killed.
You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.
I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.
We were destined to go to rehab together
I'm gonna make some noodles and go to bed. Hopefully I don't fall into the stove or something.
Was he a virgin!? DID YOU TAKE A GUY'S VIRGINITY ON MY FLOOR!?
I gave him a BJ in the shower
I just fell and it seemed like a good idea when I was down there
Learned two new lessons today: 1) Do not identify pills found in one's car by taking them to see what happens, especially while at work, and 2) There is no logical reason to keep ambien in one's vehicle...
Randomize
