genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.
You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
STDs are my biggest fear, besides whales. They're so fucking big.
FYI your bra is now hanging in the hallway as a trophy.
If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store
So it's ironically funny that my psychiatrist's office and my cocaine dealer's house are on the same street
There is a high possibility I will pass out with my hand in a bag of Doritos
I asked him to change the channel. There was no way I could do reverse cowgirl with golf on.
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
You spent an hour sitting naked in your neighbor's Jeep Wrangler yelling in a terrible British accent about how you were "on a safari". Then you passed out on your lawn.
im having flashbacks to my time in a waffle cult composed of 9 to 14 year olds
Fuck the system, do you have any medieval weapons?
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