bobby jindal makes me wanna cover my ears. you make me wanna smile.
I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.
i told him im from Canada, abortion is free
I had a dream last night, there was a gumball machine that was filled with Oxycontin. I would try to get some but got vitamins instead. I was so frustrated!! woke up angry.
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.
You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.
I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.
he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!
Believe it or not I'm actually not the only person sitting in the back of the train covered in glitter and drinking whiskey out of an arizona iced tea can. Small world.
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.
After a little too much, I decided public urination was a constitutional right.. Nearly got deported for that one
Ur wingman ability is causing serious doubt
Ok first off its WAY easier if you are actually here
You just kept telling everyone to call you MFT.. Mother Fucking Tornado.
Randomize
