oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'
I*** M*****, this is your dignity texting you. I ditched you when you started hitting on bros and old sailor men last night. My friend Sarah has pictures to prove it.
So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?
Her problem is just that he inner beauty is just as ugly as her physical beauty
For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.
Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you
He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.
Last time Jon threw a party I woke up on my porch, no shirt but 4 bras on, and "make better life choices" written on my stomach in sharpie
On the plus side I'm getting really good at painting the inside of a toilet with my bowels.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
You are the best. Or certainly adequate for tempering my unholy desires.
That's the nicest thing you've ever said to me.
Pants are for mortals
He told me that after two hours of fucking he feels as though his dick wants to detach from his body and go to Mexico..
Please tell me that nice older woman you're with at the bar is not your comp&lit professor.
I'm not having sex with him if he doesn't believe in gay marriage and abortions.
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