I like you better when you drink
I like you better when I drink too
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
I just walked in on my roommates playing baseball with old vegetables and a bigass knife.
Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.
Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.
The only way that night could have gotten any better would be if a unicorn would descend from the heavens with a nacho bell grande in a bag around its horn beat boxing Hakunah Matata.
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
God I need to stop before there's a picture of my dick on my mom's phone.
Is it bad i hate my job so much I'm actively trying to get fired tonight by drinking all the booze we have so I don't have to show up for my double tomorrow. Four mango vodkas later I have decided I'm a better server drunk.
Going back to the ever classy sneak out to the fridge and swig liquor from the bottle method. That it is legal for me to drink here makes the fact that I have to do this all the more depressing.
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
Who the abstract fuck do you think you are!?
the universe is starting to freak me out.. ive now had sex with 3 people who were born on the same day..
Been smoking since 4. The inevitable finally happened: I bought a cheesecake.
I miss painting strippers for Christmas. Holidays not the same without glitter and body paint
I'll be your substitute stripper tonight.
Randomize
