She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.
the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator
Please stop hiding condoms in my house. If I want to have sex with you, I will let you know. FYI, my mom found the ones hidden behind the milk. She was not happy.
You know your high, when your chugging applesauce out of the jar with no utensils.
Apparently from about 3-5AM I was consoling that crying stripper about her life choices.
You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.
He challenged me to a drink off, I couldn't just say no. It was a matter of pride really.
And as he was cursing your name from the bathroom you were ordering yourself another drink on his tab. The poor bastard had no clue you were a pro drunk
If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.
As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.
she and her cat are both sick as fuck so they just sat there looking at each other with her nose dripping on the cat's. both out of fucks
My boobs just got me out of my third ticket last night
i'm so proud. i woke up to nearly seven feet of basketball player in my bed this morning
you win. again.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
Almost ran out to the street bowl in hand when I hear the ice cream truck pull up outside.
Everything about that text makes me proud to be your sister.
If he's dating my cousin now, do I have to erase the pictures of his dick off my phone? Ugh, morals.
you told us the chicken was mocking you, then proceeded to explain that every time someone reads your mind you accidentally think of something sexual
Randomize
