I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer
What a tease, dude. She's giving me emotional blue balls.
she quoted hannah montana in her facebook status. i will never be speaking to her in person again.
You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested
Dude, I need a lifestyle change. I'm to old to be making out with chicks in foam parties, letting older chicks get all excited because I let them put their hands up my shirt, and running around doing scavenger hunts with 18 yr old chicks.
I punched some guy in the face for being an asshole then later I went to say sorry and give him a hug and he started making out with me. How was your new years?
Tell me about it. Running across highways take alot outta ya. When he found out, he was all "concerned" about it.
Damn why is there no horse blowjob emoji?
We got back from the bar and started watching bizzare foods, which subsequently led to the consumption of large amounts of rancid lunch meat and small insects.
Woke up in the middle of my kitchen clutching a cheesy gordita crunch
I haven't included my nuts in a shave since the Shaq/kobe Lakers era. I gave my self the ol full court press in order to change the tempo.
Sorry I pissed in your closet and lied to your parents that it was probably a flood. He got up to go to the bathroom, expecting sex when he got back, I panicked
I know he's married but I don't know how else to show sympathy! Nudes are my only emotional currency.
Would you laugh at me if I told you I think I burned my nipples?
So...I was fapping and during it, I got an Amber Alert notification...that's just bad timing.
Randomize
