Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?
Don't drive home.
when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.
Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.
In case this wasn't clear when i said being his wingman was "hopeless", his date walked out on him when he poured a beer on his head trying to shotgun it
I refuse to have sex with you and your eBay condoms.
he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there
the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.
did she buy you pizza?
Nothing says "forever alone" like receiving a friendship bracelet from your parents.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Idk how much vodka is on these pants but I'm gonna wear them anyway: the biopic
Go to a building you've never been before and take a shit. It's marvelous
Let's celebrate our freedom by getting high and doing stupid shit.
I'm sorry about the fire. I was too fucked up to do science, apparently.
The abomination is in progress. At least one barista side eyed me and the other has fear in her eyes
Randomize
