I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.
Happy hour is for amateurs. Been drunk since 1230. Fell asleep in a disney viewing of UP. Went to the roosevelt and drank more. Now im stumbling around the grove.
We couldn't even have sex we were both laughing so hard. I don't know how I feel about the quality of that weed.
She makes me want to have breakfast margaritas every day
I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.
Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?
Maybe we should invest in one and when one of us wishes to be a hot mess in a wheel chair the other one will push the mess around to wherever it wants to go.
Regret, thy taste is box wine.
If I wear a tail on Halloween, how am I supposed to grind? Maybe I will just wear devil horns
Chipotle farts are not good for seducing boys.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
One a scale of one to hella drunk, how gracefully can I make it down those stairs
The sex was so good we high-fived after.
Randomize
