Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung
Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?
Umm..who the fuck is this?
Oh shit
just put a funnel in my mouth and pour the tequila in with a little emergen-c
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?
Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?
Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?
It's okay.
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
That's cause you yelled across the parking lot you wanted to eat her out
Every concussion has its silver lining
i introduced myself to everyone by my new name, thundergooch. i threatened the neighbors with a hammer when they used my real name. needless to say, sailor jerry was not kind to me.
Long story short I'm making an I'm sorry card for a girl I dont remember having sex with
Here's to not getting arrested this year on thanksgiving again. Cheers bitches!
Randomize
