New universal law, if a movie has a Rob Zombie song in it, its probably a bad movie.
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you
I miss vodka workout Fridays
it's like russian roulette but with a penis
He just sent me a picture of me icing a cake with a butcher knife topless.
you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.
In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!
My life is over. I farted in open court. Noticeably. The judge looked at me. It echoed.
His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.
I shaved my legs and got a bikini wax, I don't care what I take home as long as it has a penis
I think I gave the bachelor party directions to the breweries next to my dentist so that they could take me to my appointment and pick me up afterward...
When I come home and take my bra off and I'm served with a perfect grilled cheese along with a glass of wine. Priceless.
This is a question I thought I'd never have to ask. How many hits of acid did you give your dad tonight?
6 hours ago I jacked off a a guy for $100. I explained it away as "compensation" for gas and tolls. WHAT am I doing with my life? Quickest and easiest $100 I ever made though, haha
Randomize