from now on my penis is your penis
onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?
he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?
You're a big dope. Life is about fighting for what you want, not accepting what you hate.
Why does tequilla always make you text me?
just balanced a champagne glass on my gut. thanks to beer im a living breathing tempur-pedic mattress.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
I would say I am sorry for punching you last night, but I found the pictures you took on my camera and it all came rushing back.
that's why you don't digest questionable powders from girls wearing tutus at a dirty club
we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit
Note to self: Don't go home with a recent divorcee. Semen and tears.
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
I still can't believe that I ate McDonald's off of my chest in his bed...
Cross faded me is not the classiest.
No not at all haha I wish there was a picture of that
You were hitting on girls while wearing the banana suit. When they rejected you you yelled "I gotta split anyway."
I just told a guy I'm a cross of Kim K, Hilary Clinton and a dragon... He was still into it.
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
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