I thought spray tan was a myth
?
You know, something that only happens in Jersey
The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.
Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.
He is now the second fuck buddy that i have met by walking up and grinding on him. My ass is so much more productive than dating
Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?
Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today
Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?
I'm not sure drinking my way through west nile virus is the best idea. Oh well, already committed to that plan.
the chips you spilled whiskey on is not the same thing as Irish breakfast potatoes
Waiting to interview and found a beer in my purse from last night
took over 12 bombs tonight and we still aren't hooking up. Wait how am I functioning
He said he was Greek American and that is why my legs slammed shut. During the World Cup there are only Americans.
He snapchated me a photo of his penis with the caption "it needs a home".
Aww his grandma died? That's sad! No mourning sex!!! That doesn't lead to good things!
Was picked up in the middle of a bar full of people...apparently I'm not tall enough to reach for drunken makeouts. I'm proud of myself.
Randomize
