I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
You kept showing the cop the bruises on the bottoms of your feet and claiming you were a medical mystery.
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
I love my life sometimes. I do miss being an adult, from time to time, but a little vodka always changes my mind.
I WISH WE COULD PLAY THE DRINKING GAME TOGETHER AND THEN BANG FOR AMERICA.
ummm im also counting the $14 dollars I gave the old guy to pay for the cab I called for him to take to the hospital last night as part of ur present.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
Her neighbors? They're nice. Young family. Tried not to get puke on their side of the lawn.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
Fuck this pandemic. She grabbed the hand sanitizer instead of the hand lotion while giving me a hand job and now my dick is burning and scrotum are on fire
A hand job? Are you 12?
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