I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
well tonys high enough to be moving from spot to spot around the kitchen shooting tortellini into a boiling pot and yelling "KING JAMES" whether he makes or misses it.
Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures
you're wrong. we DID have sex last night. just ask your roommate. you seriously don't remember him asking to join us?
Don't be alarmed at the girl laying on your bathroom floor.
ok. can u leave the new roommate a list of instructions for me? like what i need to be fed and when i need to be exercised?
Corn dogs constantly. And all.the time
Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?
I really wanna just be like, can you just eat me out and stop whining
I think that would solve a million problems
Her parents are celebrating she found someone so well endowed.
Will there be champagne when they see the pay check?
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
Longest 30 seconds of my life
10/10 so not recommended
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