remember about an hour ago when i told you i was never drinking again? i may or may not be mixing malibu with caprisun. just saying.
you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.
i wish that every time i slipped on a sheet of ice i had the ability to recover with a michael jackson move
You were absolutely insistent that the entire bar knew that it was peanut butter jelly time
Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday
Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon
That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months
I seriously think the toilet is the cleanest thing in their house. At least if I have to worry its not about that.
New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.
I seriously just drove by a man walking down the street wearing hospital scrubs, an 80s track jacket, gold necklace and carrying a flute.
Just got a message from a drag queen on okcupid. I cant even catfish successfully.
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
I was so high last night I honestly think my tears were medicinal
Who am I kidding? With my track record, I'm going to end up sleeping at the strip club with just nipple tassels on.
He showed up at 1:10AM covered in mud and vomit, wearing a headband that said victory in Japanese. I WANT PICS.
Hurricane Harvey ruined my dick appt. WTF?!
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