So I just walked in on one of our neighbors having sex...on our couch.
WHAT?!
He apologized for staining our couch, then asked if he could make me a drink. Pretty sure he was still inside her while we were talking.
Dude, you really need to stop hitting on girls by telling them you sang a cappella in college.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
im spending all my christmas money on new years parafanalia aka things I will ingest or lose by the next morning
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...
I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him
And now we should drink to that moment where you realize you didn't exactly think things through.
Dude they're making a condom for people who have no feeling in their penises that will make them able to have an orgasm. I love science
Ask me who hasn't showered since Sunday and just got cruised at the gas station on his way to work. I'm a terrible gay.
I don't know if should be sitting on a toilet or kneeling in front of it
You had 10 drinks. On a first date.
I just masterbated then started bawling.
Some days you ride the struggle bus. Other days, it gets a flat, the AC breaks, and you run over a bunny.
One of my favorite March activities is cropdusting people while wearing a kilt.
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize