Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Prereq for being on nyc prep: money, bitchy, and a lazy eye... if only you were rich
I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.
"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
I don't know the quality of the hand jobs you've received in the past but it CLEARLY was not one from me
I just had a vision of confetti exploding out of someone's vagina to the sound of air horns... I think that would be welcoming.
I like the way you think.
we got kicked out of her coke dealer's house when we wouldn't stop quoting "a league of their own"
communist
First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.
No matter how drunk I am or how drunk I'll ever be I love you
In other news there is a guy at my office who I'm pretty sure will be wearing someone's skin as a coat one day.
I don't want to flatter myself but after the way he was looking at me today I think it might be me.
GOIN TO BED BEFORE TEQUILA BLEEDS FROM MY EYEBALLS
I miss your drunken presence, and strong odor of hard liquor and potent weed.
I was just in the bathroom and some guy yelled all hail the king... i cant go anywhere without getting recognized anymore.
Randomize
