someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet
I'll alert the authorities
She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now
my phone is just a graveyard for last nights mistakes. at least it's giving me hints as to where i was though, i'm like carmen sandiego
I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."
sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.
woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training
A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.
Im 95% ready to shit behind 711
I think the closest to heaven you can get in this world is your morning dump after a night of Molly
Never thought I'd say this but the maple syrup flavored vodka probably wasn't our best idea
Yeah i was handcuffed to the bed all night but i actually slept like a baby
I thought my broken hand would put a damper on Halloween, but fake costume eyelashes and hydrocodone are kinda fun at the same time.
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Woah don't start going all boyfriend on me now, you're here for one thing and one thing only and that's sex, hot shameless sex.
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
Randomize
