Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you
I can only name 15 people I've had sex with - can I just start claiming that as my sex number?
so stoned i ashed in my jack and coke like 4 times. drinking it anyway
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
I've already planned a drinking game for mtvs jersey shore....jagerbomb everytime they do
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
we convinced you the moon was a planet...again
I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.
Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
I'm going to CVS to meet the Craigslist guy who is going to buy my underwear. If I don't text you within the next hour, plz assume that I have been abducted by a stranger with an underwear fetish.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
Wanna see if we can get cut off at bdubs again? The same hipster manager that is younger than us is working again
Also, why does our bed smell like mayonnaise?
In other news, I’ve officially fucked a grandpa.
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