You're boyfriend is farting in his sleep. The last one sounded like a threat.
Lady with a stroller in a bar. Think she's out of my league?
I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.
I spent ten minutes questioning her on what kind of cup she wanted... Then I asked what kind of water she wanted..
WOAH TOO HIGH
Correction... Drunk on winter break. There are no days of the week on break.
Seriously? A BAR is SPONSORING my 21... What did you do for your 21 again??
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
I'm just sayin. If your gonna cheat go for someone TOTALLY different. Fucking her twin would be a waste.
Let's just say that in a last ditch effort to avoid getting arrested I said to the cop "but I'm not even that drunk" and he proceeded to point out (in front of a crowd) that I had "fucking pissed my pants"
I am the fucking FIFTH wheel. How do you think it's going?
There's a super pregnant woman here complaining about back pain. I better not see a live birth in the hair care aisle
But like, I don't remember getting hit with the door... I just come out from peeing and there was blood running down my face.
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
Any luck with the purse?
No, though I did find her weed. Also her sons name is King. I'm uncertain how I feel about that
Randomize
