omg omg i just fucked paul. i need to stop doing this kind of thing.
wait, who's paul?
exactly.
Flying to Orlando on the 7th is cheaper than the 8th by like three margaritas.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.
We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."
I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!
Let's drink?
Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.
I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.
I just face planted on a condom wrapper in my bed...thought of you.
You're so romantic.
I may or may not be wearing slippers and a TMNT hat. This thing better not have a dress code.
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
Bahahaha I just turned on the fan in front of the elliptical to avoid puking//try to get some baywatch hair going and the guy next to me thanked me because he was "getting nauseas from the smell of stale sweat and tequila"
Randomize
