I'm pretty sure he jizzed in his pants, and no it wasn't even half as funny as that song.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong
I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?
Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday
You went from loaded cattleman, to football player, to better football player, to art major from Missouri. Your future was looking so good for a while.
so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?
She thought that based on the way she feels that she got drugged last night, but come on, her turn on word is hello, who needs to drug that??
Why even have a ground level apt if you're not gonna let me climb out the window? I hate walk of shaming in front of toddlers...
He is more interested in finding his sweater than he is in having sex with me. It better be a great fucking sweater.
I need to reevaluate my stance on weekday hangovers...
Just had a customer call his drug dealer in front of me but act like it was normal call.
She was riding me and giving me score updates to the basketball game at the same time..... Shes a keeper
Like people might wonder why I put up with your puns. You give good head and play with my hair
THIS FUCKNUGGET
DOES HE EVEN REALIZE HOW MANY INCREDIBLE INSULTS I'VE WASTED ON HIM
I'VE INSULTED THE EVERLOVING SHIT OUT OF HIM AND HE CAN'T EVEN APPRECIATE IT
THE HO
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