at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
She has an incinerator in her basement. Have you ever incinerated used condoms?
Lmao what?
It's a yes or no question.
see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.
Also I spent like 2 hours on the hubble/nasa website sunday night looking at pictures of outer space and cried my face off at how beautiful and complex it is. What's wrong with me?!
So his mom walked in the kitchen while I was sucking him off and just casually suggested that "I'd need a glass of water after that"
Please tell me that chemistry equipment is for chemistry and not for producing felonies.
I wasn't half as drunk as u but u were saying u were a "worm" and u tried to slither out of my grasp
I told him if he cums in my mouth he has to buy me a cake that says "sorry I came in your mouth"
You just gave me the title for the series of our lives. Haha. Chapter 12: the cocaine on the back of the hairbrush
It was like the icing on a beautiful fuck boy cake.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
It was get out of line and go pee and get no beef briskit. Or stay in line, pee my pants, but have beef briskit. I really wanted my beef briskit
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