is hooking up with someone you used to babysit wrong?
My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.
Jesus Christ, she just started playing Enya and is humming along to it. Way, way, way too hungover to deal with her shitty taste in music
Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.
I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time
My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.
Well I can't message him and be like "hey I was behind you in CVS a month ago and I remembered your last name and DOB and looked you up on fb and added you so wanna hang out"
multitasking: i'm now sitting up and smoking my joint.
That makes 14 Xmas cards already! Middle aged people are really nice to their dealers.
honestly dont worry about it, its not the first time ive injured myself on a potted cactus during sexual relations with a woman
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Through a complicated series of events, I wound up in the desert with a blue chick from comic-con. we lost peter. if you're alive, please come get us.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
He was married to his college girlfriend for 20 years. Just give him the blow job he’s been fantasizing about since last century and he’ll be wrapped around your little finger
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