My dad just drunkly made a toast in front of my entire extended family "to my daughter the recent and sucessful college and to my son the drunken whore-monger"
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
Can you tell me we didn't drink from a fish bowl we found in the bathroom last night? I know it would be a lie; I just need to hear it.
He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.
It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.
I think they were making kool-aid in my bed. There is lots of sugar and my hands and face are stained blue.
I have one of those hangovers where you visualize how awesome it would be to climb in your fridge and drink glacier water
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
She pulled me up to my feet by my hair. I thought it was you for a second. My drunken angel savior.
He kept kissing me on the cheek when I was pretending to sleep while he cried
It's my birthday, if I want to stay home, get stoned and watch the gameshow network, that's what I'm going to do.
So adding to the list of things my boobs can do, sweeping with a broom is apparently a thing.
My new gym is popular with trophy wives. They’re talking about yachts and plastic surgery
Learn their secrets! I want to meet men with Maseratis. The meat heads and Mustangs scene is getting old
It was very surreal. They were listening to a religious podcast on morality while they both went down on me.
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