Its about time the women of america have a president they can masturbate to again
woke up 7 floors down in the lobby...i my underwear. New high or new low?
New experience?
its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.
college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
You grabbed her hand and started jacking her finger off. She was horrified.
Did it finish?
I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING
We found her on the doorstep. Just layin down going, "I made it home!! Aren't you proud??!"
I feel like we need a drunken piñata bash with your face being the piñata and my hopes and dreams being the stick
I think the Predator is hunting me in my house. If I don't text you later, send Danny Glover. I love you all.
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Fuck you guys, I'm trying to nurse my hangover and eat my chicken tenders in peace.
Lady at the airport across from me just pulled a cat out of her bag. can't deal with this right now..
Getting knocked up by someone with a good job and a big dick, okay. I can handle that. Getting knocked up by someone who sells dildos for a living and has a tiny dick, SOMEBODY is losing a pair of balls.
Randomize
