A joint and a Nerds Rope = breakfast of champions for the unemployed
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.
I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon
He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.
He made me meet him in the baby department of walmart where he was waiting with his pregnant girlfriend. Time for a new dealer
yea. Don't mess. He will heal me. But my blowjobs will be historical.
I woke up to find that chris drank one of my contacts.
Yeah he's good at that.
You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws
That explains the stains on my shirt
And apparently i asked another younger guy at the bar if he wanted his bud light pumped straight into his vag. As i put back an irish car bomb...
There's glitter in my speakers, piles of cheezits on the floor, a random Audi in the driveway and a homeless dude napping in a lawn chair in the backyard. Wtf happened last night?
True love: he brought me a margarita while was in the shower. He's a keeper.
I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??
Please god tell me you aren't pregaming your date alone.
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
Randomize
