literally followed a trail of condoms to the bus stop this morning. Ahh modern-day bread crumbs
I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!
im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.
I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.
Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.
Dude if i sent you a picture of the inside of my fridge would you be able to break down and explain everything that was in it?
No piss test, hell yeah
FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.
Got drunk in Atlantic City Flagged down some guy with two wrapped tampons like road flares for a cigarette.
Ugh, once again I had to block the view of him peeing off the hotel bar balcony, I earned those free drinks!
Whelp, I woke up on the front lawn this morning. I have got to stop wearing these underwear. Every time I do, I end up puking in someone's greenery.
The most awkward thing in the morning is seeing your teacher's dick right before you go to his class.
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
No, it's okay that he's on a date. I attach no more emotion to him than I do my vibrator.
I admire the fact that you replicated my apartment on the roof but I would appreciate it more if you would move all my stuff off the roof and back into my apartment.
You took your shirt off at the bar, handed it to a girl, and made her wash your dirty shirt on your washboard abs
tuesdays get the best of me...
Randomize
