Let's start a violent farting gang. We can do walkbys.
I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.
i just woke up in the hallway. not my hallway. i officially raise my hand to be DD next week.
Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.
seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.
He's basically me if I was an 8-yr-old boy. It's like looking into a pudgy terrifying mirror
He convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. He slurred every word. I think I found my prince charming.
Like you know your sex life is in a downward spiral when your best friend offers to sext you from Ireland
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
Chick in the reindeer getup puked on Baby Jesus last night. But then she bought us all empanadas so she's cool.
And my cousin was so drunk he called an uber and instead he got into a cop car and they took him to the hospital
His premature ejaculation problem is getting old.
I just got home and spray-tanned my boyfriend. That's the side of relationships they don't tell you about...
My new roommate looks like a troll. Or a serial killer. So if I disappear, show this text to the cops.
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
Randomize
