too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.
she is a standing ovation.
its a long story involving jim bean, an owl, and a knife
He just laughed at his drink laid on the floor and crawled to the bathroom
WHY DOES HE HAVE TO CALL WHEN I'M MASTURBATING?! This time I'm really pissed. It's like he knows he's depriving me of orgasms.
I asked this couple what they would like to drink and they leaned toward me eagerly and asked if we still have THE root beer ... Idk if this is code for please add cocaine to my drink
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
I am making up for a 7 year dry spell so I get a pass and I don't always care if there is a second date. It is like college but with more money and condoms.
I should probably drink beer instead of rum today so I don't end up naked in my living room while I still have guest.
I asked you for a cigarette and you handed me your phone and told me to search for one
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
Fun fact. I just wrapped myself in wrapping paper for a sext. Is this a new high or a new low stay tuned.
He has a bear rug in his room. I'm going to ask if we can have sex on it. Wilderness sex.
It true. It written in the Bible.
Yes I remember that, right next to the passage where jesus said unto his disciples, pop molly, fuck bitches amen
I'm not drunk or hungover and I don't have to work. My body is sooo confused!
He's so drunk that he's ignoring me and just doing what my cat does.
Oh god he's trying to eat cat food... I don't know if I should stop him or continue laughing....
Randomize
