Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...
apparently i peed in my fridge last night because my vegetable drawer was filled with it.
We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off
On the way home from Florida I threw up at the beginning border and ending border of 6 states. You win this year Spring Break.
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.
She told me I made the cut, and to write my name and number on the white board by the door. I was the 7th number down.
"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
WHY IS THERE NO EMOJI FOR "FUCK MY MOM JUST SAW MY SEX BRUISES?!"
Honestly and this might sound scary... But I want to get high and play with weapons
when i woke up with 300+ messages I didn't except them to be about coyotes and burning shoes.
What kind of true American would I be if I didn't just smoke weed in my bathrobe on my back porch in the middle of suburbia on 4/20? #stepmomoftheyear
I think he just shit his pants. Yep he did. That's unfortunate.
You know something is wrong with your lifestyle when you have to clean easy Mac cheese powder off of your scale
at least it's not cocaine like last time
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