You're gonna have to start calling my house phone from now on
How come?
Cuz 'Dad' looked pretty similar to the word Dane when i sent that picture message
what are u so afraid of ive smelled ur poop before
The pickup line "You look exactly like my sister" would only work in Arkansas...SCORE!!
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
If i ever start ordering tequila again please tackle me to the ground and steal my wallet
God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.
I never should have let my cousin and his pregnant girlfriend move in with me. I'm never having sex again. They scare off men more than 'my dream wedding' pin board.
Not my man #1 and if he likes it then he should put a title on it. Till then the gates of hell. Aka my vagina are open for entrance.
I just got a call from the front desk apparently one of my feiends was dropped off by a handicap bus passed out in a wheel chair unlv is goig down
Also, thank you for letting me cry in your lap on the bathroom floor. I can't remember if I was clothed at that point, but if I wasn't, extra thank you.
He just showed up on my porch naked with just a blanket and a trash bag
After an orgasm, I always feel the urge to sing A Whole New World from the move Aladdin and I'm not quite sure why.
Dude I cant right now. Were talking about pickles.
Randomize
