I'm single ladies-ing it in my kitchen alone. after I just made an intense new breakup cd and before I drown my sorrows by marinating alone in my jacuzzi later. I cant tell if this is a new low or a new high
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level
I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything
He doesn't belong with God. He belongs face-down in a pile of his own excrement, vomit, blood and semen. Then pissed on by Satan.
He shoved his balls through an egg carton and showed us a picture. They were surprisingly egg-like.
This is John, I met you downtown last night.
Oh, ok.
This is the cop that kept you out of trouble last night
You kept going up to guys in plaid and screaming "are you a lumberjack" in their faces
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
No, I barely made it home last nite. Kept telling cab driver I live across the street from Susan Sarandon?? Thank god her coop addy is posted online.
When he pulled out it sounded like a balloon deflating
We still getting married? Or were you day drinking
Best part though was when he wanted to cuddle and I was like, I'm going to go.
Slowly dying because of my period and my phone is mocking me because I have 69% battery
Randomize
