I like waking up with a slight hangover cause I'm dehydrated and it makes me feel thinner.
it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere
I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.
and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show
My grandpa is giving me detailed instructions on how to fight a second floor bedroom fire from a ladder on the out side. Just in case
How many strippers in the world do you think have had a debate with someone about the NRA?
You didn't hold all these dicks to become a party planner!
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I ate icecream cake off your tits for my birthday, if that's not love I don't know what is.
She told me she loved my new hairstyle. I told her its called head head.
We ended up on their roof with our pants around our ankles shotgunning beers at one point.
I just had a twenty minute discussion about endangered breed dog breeding with an Extremely drunk guy
So many questions...
apparently I got pissed off that no one would let me spray them with a bottle of champagne at midnight of the new year. so I sprayed myself with one shirtless in the near freezing cold outside
She took all the bottles out of the shower caddy and replaced them with booze. I just made a shower Manhatten. Imma marry this one.
I think/hope James is drunk. He's standing in the front lawn loudly declaring "I AM a popsicle!" Over and over....
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