Circus confirmed... Jello shots before 9 pm are not cocktails for sucess
She told me that she faked her orgasm. Does she think I care??
I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.
I'm not taking advise from someone who responded to the pickup line "I have a penis"
Getting drunk before noon on a Tuesday. When did this become my life? Did you know that a six-pack of Smirnoff is 2 liters?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
Ugh I can't even look at alcohol this weekend, my body needs to heal.
Only you would have a vasectomy while you're awake and report on the soundtrack first
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
My name will be tattooed on his ass by sunday.
I fell asleep completely naked, standing up with my arms and head in the freezer
I woke up this morning fully clothed with a dart in my pocket
Shit. My boss is having me meet and greet with the new doc upstairs. Do you think his doctor powers will detect that I'm still high?
Never let the horse trainer ride you, always ride the horse trainer. I have huge bruises on my thighs from his hip bones. That's how hard he rode me
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