R you on birth control?
No, why?
...no reason
i just ate that cheese stick that was in my purse from last night.
the liability waiver did not state that i couldn't bring my bottle of wine in the bouncy castle. it did Not.
you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now
I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
My bed smells like stale sex...I want it to smell like fresh sex, I miss you.
The low-flow toilet at my office cannot handle the intensity of this hangover.
because of daylight savings time I lost an hour of sex with an incredibly hot guy last night. thanks a lot farmers.
At 38 I had to open a Snapchat account to communicate with my 21 yr bf. where is my life going.
This German chick looked me up and down for a while. Then she grabbed my crotch, let go after a few seconds, and said "you vill do". I think I'm gonna like tonight.
The twitch Bob Ross stream is the happiest little hangover cure ever.
Question: When you have the names of 4 guys tattoo'd on you, how do you make the 5th one real special?
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
Randomize
