true best friends attempt to put quarters in each others butts. Thanks for the best birthday ever!
oh great. the only prospects for sex left for the night are douchebag in the ed hardy shirt & frodo-looking ass
fuck it... i'll be the lord of his rings
make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.
As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.
..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing
Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
sent a snap of my boobs out to my FWB his response was what happened to your other nipple ring.. how do I say it got ripped out by my other FWB last week without sounding like a slut
I couldn't find the oven mitts so I used a thick stack of tortillas
How many of my Tinder dates can my Christian roommate accidentally meet in the hallway at 3am before she's horrified and moves out?
Not only did I sleep with the guy but I think I may have called my work and quit to go work for him.
i think you might have coined the term "slightly awkward pyromania"
Randomize
