If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.
He was so confused why there was a string hanging out of my vagina.
Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.
The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
Woke up and there was a kayak in the pool. Are you alive?
I feel strange, like something is off with my body
Yeah that's called sobering up, we've been drunk for the past 4 days
Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter
you were caressing the jar of pickles then you looked down and whispered to them "I want you inside me"
There I was, puking into the toilet, and he was rubbing my feet, buck naked. I feel like a drunk Disney princess.
Is there a reason drunk me put drunk you's phone in the freezer?
My breath smells like gin and sadness
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
Randomize
