I can't disclose who, but one time I called someone, they didn't pick up, and immediately texted back 'will call later, masturbating'
I thought that was really considerate
Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?
if i had a camp nickname it would be Flick Bean
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
my girlfriend just compared my daughters eyes to gollum from lord of the rings.
So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button
im not even sure if i fucked her just woke up in her closet.
He said he was going to "rock my world". I wonder if he too has a false sense of confidence and accomplishment stemming from a complete lack of honesty from our own female counterparts.
I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol
Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.
He really thought ahead and just left the tequila in the mail box for late night pickup. Best. Friend. Ever.
I'm going to text my booty call and tell him nevermind, that I got the job finished by myself. That will teach him to text back faster.
This lesson is brought you by a psychology class.
You know you're too high when you find yourself crying at " hand in my pocket" by Alanis Morissette because it's "just TOO REAL"
New fact of life: getting Becca high never helps any situation at all ever.
Double high-fived his wife and her sister on the way out. If I'm not the best mistress ever tell me how.
Randomize
