it's business casual sex. like no kissing, shake hands after, occasional frequency
she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.
it's love
I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15
im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.
My boss just gave me full permission to come into work wasted this weekend.
just woke up in a camero on the way to nebraska, i would appreciate it if you answered your phone.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
dude i'm so hungover my hair hurts
I'm gonna buy my dress an hour before wedding. You know, just to make sure it's gonna really happen.
T'would be a shame to waste that open bar though. They shouldn't do that to us. We've been having to pretend we're happy for two people who got engaged a week after they met.
If muffins & morning blowjobs don't make him happy, frankly, I don't think anything will.
She forgot a bra so she just used seran wrap. The scary thing is, it worked.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
So I come home this morning to get ready for a job interview and there is garlic seasoning all over the hardwood and a knife in the wall. What. the. fuck.
This is the fourth guy that I've broken in to gay sex. How the hell do they find me?
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