Make note: the first date is too soon to make the "condoms are only for making balloon animals" joke.
I threw up under water while wearing a hockey helmet last night. Awesome.
we're about an hour out, how's the weather?
cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.
This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate
I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.
Weirdest sensation ever: having your penis fall asleep. It was like tiny hulk hogan was choking it out
You christened everyone with a powdered doughnut and then tried to absorb vodka with your nipple.
Some drunk guy thought my knee scooter was the sexiest thing he's ever seen. He then proceeded to ask me about duck hunting and decoys...
Just broke my collar bone. May not make it to the party.
he went down on me to a drake song and now i think i need a penicillin shot
is it too soon to tell him I'm available anytime for Christmas themed pity sex and I'll even wear a Santa hat?
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
She's in labor and I'm doing shots. Whose the real winner here?
Does the term "on fleek" apply to dicks or just eyebrows?
Just threw up in a cup driving down the road because there was cop behind me and I didn't want to pull over. Not sure if winning or failing at life.
Randomize
