I think taking a nice shit is a lot more satisfying than an orgasm. This is probably why I'm single.
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.
We should party with her soon
Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit
He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"
I am too young to be this hungover
Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?
Woke up in her bed this morning with a half used condom stuck to the side of my face
How can a condom be "half used"?
In honor of Sarah Palin's bday I suggest we watch Nailing Palin
U have successfully fucked my brains out. I just almost put deodorant on like chapstick
Apparently while fucking a girl in the ass last night I cracked a molar, trying to find a dentist now.
My dad made a joke about you sending me strippers for valentine's day so clearly everything here is normal
I've been here 20 minutes and a sweaty naked man has kissed me on the cheek.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
She said she hasn't cheated on me in 7 and a half days and she'd like praise for that.
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
