So my grandma sent me a doily for my birthday - don't ask why, I don't know. Anyways I put my bong on it, I think it actually classed up the joint.
I just foul balled at work. I had taken off my coat too… had to go to the sink wash my hands then go back to the stall and pick up my coat. I hope the guy shitting in the stall next to me didn’t figure out what happened.
I hope I don't blackout because this is awesome!
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
I was just informed that I have the perfect belly button for body shots... Best compliment ever.
whatever the appropriate amount of shots is to consider drunken acrobatics a good idea was a few less than I actually had
Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.
she just nodded and said "yeah, I'd fuck him for a reese's peanut butter cup". it's so nice to know I'm not the biggest whore living here
Your mother may get texts again about women putting dog food up their vaginas and asking for it to be licked.
we turned the lights off and all you could see were my glow in the dark stars and his penis
They are like untrained puppies reaking havoc on a newly furnished house. Out of control.
You just compared our vaginas to a newly furnished house...I can dig it.
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
Was last night real life? Like did you really light your hair on fire
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