You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.
She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
the worst part was waking up this morning to his skrillex ringtone.....when was it ever okay for friends to let other friends go home WITH GUYS LIKE THAT!?
note to self: shower sex when you have 7 stitches in your leg is never a good idea. never.
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
OMG I WAS JUST THINKING ABOUT HOW OUR FRIENDSHIP IS SO REAL BECAUSE I SHOW YOU DICK PICS AND WE LAUGH TOGETHER.
ever bang a guy wearing an $800 suit? today you will.
I feel like this is something I should shave my legs for
He showed up to my apt at 6am wearing a suit and holding a bag of coke....how could I not let him in?
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
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