I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
i had to apologize to my friends for being friends with me
no, i'm currently making the trek across campus to get all my stuff from last night. My ID is in one guys bed, and my camera in another guy's bed.
I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers
so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?
you referred to yourself as the crossing guard because of your neon shirt and began directing bar traffic
I just made the answer to all my security questions "fuck you" with various levels of ! marks. I may regret this in the morning.
foreskin is a definite game changer
The hot tub didn't work. But it's okay because we discovered just how many people you can fit in a bathtub.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
Dude we both faced 40s of steel reserve which is like saying, "Hey, I'm a complete piece of shit!"
Next time I feel awkward in a situation I'm going to just yell "free bird!!!!" Like some redneck at lynyrd skynyrd show
Call me and get me out of this conversation NOW. My coworker is talking to me about her birds having sex again...
I went out to have a smoke, and next thing I know, he's got me bent over a picnic table praying to deities I don't believe in. You should have been there.
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
Randomize
