i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
Will you please bring me a line of coke at work without asking questions?
On 3 separate occasions, she grabbed my bullhorn to announce to the entire party she had fucked me.
Btw I'm currently writing a paper in a beer garden. Be proud.
He took off his priest costume and proceeded to dryhump the teletubby.
party devolved into two exes battling with Cal's tiki torches, and the lawn being set on fire kinda sorta and then we all hula'ed... hulaed?
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
He got me off while watching hockey. He's a keeper.
Okay, but that still doesn't explain all the glitter in my puke.
mid-sex she goes "oh my god. you aren't even going to remember my name in the morning, are you?". And i was so wasted that i straight up told her "honestly, I don't even remember your name right now"
I don’t care that he’s a decade younger. He’s cute and I need a good penising
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